On taking a cold shower in Africa

19-07-09

I am preparing for my last week in Gulu for the summer, and I realize that I have not blogged much at all. I am spending most of the weekdays at school with Okaali, John, the greatest teacher in all of Uganda, and spending most of my weekends and evenings with a great group of American teachers. Somehow, I just haven't found the time to blog. So, without further ado...

On Taking a Cold Shower in Africa

Let me first begin by saying it is quite possible to go for three days in dusty hot Uganda without taking a shower...if you have no room mate or no desire to interact with another human being. The stench emanating from the various body regions may just be worse than locking the doors of the Sistine Chapel on a hundred and twenty degree day , providing a bean and cabbage lunch gratis, asking everyone to do 3000 jumping jacks, and locking the doors to the loo.

So, for the rest of the world, who enjoy some degree of social existence, taking a shower in Uganda is a must. The majority of the country bathe from a wash basin outdoors. The luckier minority actually have running water and, hence, overhead showers. Some few even have heated water. I belong to the second group...tell me I don't know how to live in luxury!

Unfortunately, I definitely do not fall under the third category of heated water. Now, one might think that in equatorial Africa, a cold shower would be a godsend. They would be wrong. After running ten miles in 90 percent humidity on a hundred degree day—cold shower. After working in the garden for eight hours, fighting lobster style sun burn, and drinking only beer—cold shower. Curing the hangover the next morning—cold shower. Preparing for a long day of work and play in Gulu—.......

Before the rains hit in Uganda, the nights and mornings are fairly hot. One would imagine that a cold shower in the morning may just be the ticket for washing off the night sweat and dust from the day before. Au contraire. The morning heat actually amplifies the effect of cold water inducing shivers and muscle spasms at eighty degrees ambient. Now, it is possible to take a warmer shower...after the water tank has baked in the afternoon sun for several hours. However, at just about the time the water reaches ideal temperature, the overhead sun is also blaring down from directly above. To take a warm shower at this time results in extreme sweating that, ten minutes after the shower, brings you back to square one.

In order to counter this tremendous dilemma, I have devised a few fail-safe steps for accomplishing the formidable task of taking a cold shower African style.

1.Standing outside the door of the shower stall, debate just how necessary it is to really shower. How bad can you stink after wearing long-sleeves and trousers all day and sleeplessly rolling around in the evening to try to find the dry patches on your pillow where your neck sweat has not yet stained the pillow case?
2.Suck it up and enter the shower. Upon entering, disrobe, hang your clothes neatly on the bent and rusty nails protruding from the door, carefully avoiding the chipping paint and cobwebs, turn and face the shower, and stare.
3.After about five minutes of absent mindedly staring at the shower knob, do a pit check. How much deodorant will it actually take to cover that smell for another day? Smell again. Utter an expletive, and resign yourself to the truth. You stink.
4.Turn the shower knob allowing the cold water to fiercely drizzle out of the spout, taking care all the while to avoid the drips, spatters and spurts. Stare at the water for another five minutes re-analyzing your previous thoughts for any flaws in logic. Realize that there is now way to escape. Utter another expletive.
5.Carefully dip your head into the water stream making sure that none of the water trickles over any other body part. Cup hands and splash water on face. Step out of water stream. Stare again.
6.Count to three, wait, count to three, wait again, and finally muster up the courage. Count to three one more time, close your eyes as if wincing in pain, and stick your arm into the shower. Use the other hand to quickly wet the undersides of your arms. Upon successful completion of this task, quickly repeat the steps for arm number two.
7.Examining the pea sized goose bumps that have mysteriously sprouted on your arms, Utter a third expletive and step into the shower allowing the water to hit your chest. Gasp for air, lose your balance, fall out of the water stream, and work to catch your breath. Once recovered, place your chest back into the stream of water and make sure to wet down your entire front.
8.Step out of the stream of water. At this point in the shower, I usually ask myself if my simple rinse is enough to clean me off and if my back even really sweats. Unfortunately for me (but fortunate for my friends), I usually decide that I am already committed and must go forward with the last, and most painful, part of the wetting down process...my back.
9.Turn around and stick your derrière out. Slowly inch backwards until the water is just nipping your bottom. Slowly, very slowly, roll your spine allowing the water to make its way up the back. Occasionally, take to long to wet your back, gasp for air (you have been holding your breath since the water touched the small of your back), take another deep breath, finish—much more quickly this time—and step out of the shower.
10.Turn the water off. Regain your composure. Grab the soap and go to town.
11.Sufficiently covered in suds, contemplate the effect of walking around with a layer of soap film on your body all day. It should act as a nice perfume right? Utter expletive number 17.
12.Repeat steps 4-10 while rinsing off, taking only a third of the time that it took in the first go-round.
13.Grab the towel, quickly drying off to keep the small tremors in your muscles from turning into violent shakes, slip on some clothes, and move quickly through the courtyard to your room.
14.Rejoice in how refreshed and clean you feel (while fighting away the shivers from a severly low body temperature).

I could probably move forward in this blog by making some insightful analogy about how the shower is similar to the trials and tribulations that we face in life or about gaining perspective, but I have to be to school in two hours. If I don't go hop in the shower now, I might just not make it in time...

Best,
Matt